LESSONS FOR PARENTS
Give Children Invaluable Gifts of Freedom, Inspiration

USATODAY
12/23/2003

As soon as my son Sam turned 14 this past September, he started filling out job applications. His determination to find a paying job had less to do with earning money than earning a sense of independence. He carried his first paycheck home as if he had been given the Holy Grail.

Sam has had one step out the door and on the road to taking care of himself for a long time. He has an independent streak a mile wide, the kind that makes a mother want to hold him close. I know that making his own choices is more important to Sam than an MP3 player, a new computer, a Dallas Cowboy jersey or any of the other gifts we've considered wrapping for him for Christmas.

Parents have been trudging the malls and cruising online looking for "perfect" gifts for their children. But if those were the only places they searched, they won't be giving their children what they most want and need: the lessons important in life in these dangerous and difficult economic times.

Former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt, however, has a gift for your children: In 1927, she published a list of "ethics" for parents. Here are some of them, still relevant today:

*"Furnish an example in living."

Peggy Engel, managing editor of the Newseum in Washington, D.C., is also an author, foundation director, wife and mother of two teenagers. But for 17 years, she has made the time to do weekly grocery shopping for elderly shut-ins.

Her generosity helps some of our society's least remembered, but she is also setting an example for her children that they are likely to follow. Research by Independent Sector, a non-profit coalition that encourages volunteering and charitable giving, shows that children who see their parents volunteering become adults who volunteer. They also become the most generous charitable givers.

Volunteering in America has been at an all-time high since 9/11. That's a good-news trend that needs to continue as state budget shortfalls and the growing federal deficit pinch government-provided social services. Parents who help fill the social-service gap also give their children the gift of living in healthy communities.

*"Stop shielding your children and clipping their wings."

From the courtroom drama of the Washington snipers to the new book and television interview with kidnap victim Elizabeth Smart, parents are pelted with reminders of nightmare scenarios involving children. But reacting by overprotecting children is not the answer.

Overprotection can raise children's anxiety and reduce their ability to recognize and learn the skills to deal with risk.

"The key is to offer challenges that will enable our children to reach new heights, says Stanley Greenspan, author of The Secure Child.

"Parents must be there for their children, not overprotecting but supporting and helping them think for themselves."

Parents who don't follow that advice end up with children who stay children. Nurturing independence ranges from encouraging small children to settle their own disputes to letting older ones drive across country. It's the gift that builds strong, secure adults.

*"Allow your children to develop along their own lines."

Academic pressure starts early. As admission to elite colleges becomes more difficult, some parents even obsess over getting children into prestigious preschools.

In Pushed to the Edge: How to Stop the Child Competition Race So Everyone Wins, author Donna Corwin encourages parents to nurture each child's uniqueness rather than compare them to others. Indeed, seeing your children for who they are and helping them build on their natural strengths give them the gifts of acceptance and unconditional love.

It takes little effort to give our kids the latest GameBoy or mini-doll. The challenge for parents is to remain thoughtful throughout the year and give our children the gifts they will cherish for a lifetime.

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